Roast Pork – Sort of

As I mentioned in my profile, one of my interests is cooking. That’s a relatively new interest for me, which was born out of watching the Food Network on TV. In particular, I like Good Eats with Alton Brown and Iron Chef. I used to joke that the only thing I could cook was Spaghettios (recipe: open can; eat with spoon). That may still be true, but after watching professional chefs on the Food Network make things look so easy, I’ve tried some other things and, as you might expect, had some mixed results.

Last night was one of those things. My wife suggested cooking a pork loin roast (bone in) on the grill, which I’ve never done before. In fact, I had never done anything requiring indirect heat. It turned out surprisingly good – so good that I thought I would share the recipe with you.

Ingredients:
Pork loin roast – bone in
Wife or alarm clock
Whiny kids
Potato chips

Prep time: 30 minutes, not counting nap.
Cook time: 2 hours, 18 minutes. Approximately.

1. Take a nap. Have your wife wake you around 3:30 and ask you if you’re going to start the coals. An alarm clock will do if you don't have a wife.
   
2. Start the coals in the grill.
   
3. Kids start to complain that they’re hungry.
   
4. When coals heat up, move them away from the middle of the grill. Put a drip pan with some water in it in the middle of the grill, surrounded by the coals.
   
5. Panic because it looks like you used about half as many coals as you need.
   
6. Add more coals.
   
7. Put the roast on the grill, fat side up.
   
8. After about 45 minutes, check the roast. Doubt to yourself that it’s cooking fast enough, but turn it over anyway.
   
9. Kids complain that they’re hungry again. Give them a few potato chips.
   
10. After another 45 minutes, stick a meat thermometer into the roast. Wonder if the thermometer is working correctly or if the inside is still so cold that the needle doesn’t move.
    
11. Kids complain that they’re still hungry. Tell them to quit whining and set the table (in case the roast ever gets ready).
    
12. Give up on the grill. Put roast in roasting pan and into cold oven set to 400 degrees.
    
13. After about half an hour, take roast out, stick in meat thermometer. Needle should barely move.
    
14. Bedtime is rapidly approaching. Kids complain that they’re still hungry. Send them to their room.
    
15. Give up on the oven. Put roast in microwave for 5 minutes at 70% power.
    
16. Stick thermometer in roast. Needle should move slightly, but still not reach temperature scale. Start doubting again whether the thermometer works correctly.
    
17. Put roast in microwave for 6 more minutes at 70% power.
    
18. Stick thermometer in roast. Needle should start to offer signs of hope, but it’s not done yet.
    
19. Put roast in microwave for 7 more minutes at 70% power.
    
20. Cover with foil and let sit for a few minutes before serving.
    

We didn’t season or marinate the meat, but you certainly could. It actually turned out pretty good. It tasted smoky, like it had been grilled, but the meat was still pretty tender.

Today, for Mother’s Day, I’m cooking for the mothers (my wife, my mom and my mother-in-law), who no doubt are wondering if I’ll screw up again and end up taking them out. That could be a problem, since about the only place we could get into on Mother’s Day without a reservation is the Kwik 'n' Krappy’s (“Burgers on a stick!”). If it turns out good, I may share those recipes here.

Happy Mother’s Day to all of you mothers! (From someone who is often called a mother)